Inconsistancy

I feel so frustrated. I feel like I am battling both Tilly and my husband. Last school year Tilly was out of control and into the drama. My husband tried to curb it by telling her if she got one more in school suspension he would send her to private school where they have to wear uniforms and they have more punishments they can institute. I asked him if we could afford that and he indicated yes. Well school was so fed up they gave her an out of school suspension the next time. You would have thought that she would be in private school now, but all of a sudden we couldn't afford it after all. Well that was when I took over. I told Tilly that any more problems from school OR if she made received any failing grades on her report card then she would be in uniforms. She told me that uniforms weren't required in her school and I told her SHE would be in uniforms anyway. Guess what? No failing grades and no more ISS. It worked.




So this year I raised the stakes a little. No ISS, no grades below a C and she could go to prom and no uniforms. It worked up to recently when she tried to push the limits. She started slacking off and the teachers let me know that she wasn't completing homework and was doing poorly on tests. When she was supposed to bring her interim report card home, she said she left it at school. It was the beginning of a four day weekend. I told her it was okay I could pull her grades up on the computer. That's when I found out she was failing math. When I met with her math teacher I found out that most days she didn't come back from lunch to the classroom; going to the office or the school nurse instead, so she was missing some of the lesson. This started the slide. When another teacher emailed me to tell me that she had failed to do her homework, had come to class without her book, paper, or pen, refused to borrow a book to go over the homework and had failed a test based upon the homework she didn't do, I called my husband who was picking her up to inform him. He fussed at her and then dropped her off at her work at the local stables. She called several of her friends and told her friends that she was being physically abused. She finally found one who agreed to let her spend the night, so she ran away.





When Tilly ran away my husband set her down and told her what abuse was. He was REALLY abused during his childhood. He then asked her what happened to make her think she was abused. The worst thing she came up with was when my husband apparently shut the door of his truck before her foot was completely cleared. There was no bruises, no swelling, and he didn't do it on purpose, but she considered that abuse. She also said that when he asked her if she was trying to stay stupid because she had not done her homework, that that was verbal abuse.





My husband told her what was real abuse and reiterated that even if she was to convince a jury that we abused her, that would just land her in the foster care system and not with her biological mother. He told her that we were going to take everything out of her room except her bed and dresser and that she would have to earn the privileges back. Well the next day he called me and told me that he thought he would try a different track, that this track would impose too much on us. He was going to make her independent and when she didn't like it he would then impose the punishment. I didn't like the idea and let him know, but he decided to try it anyway. Well it lasted about four days, and that was because she was out of touch. She got up and got ready for school Friday morning. On Friday evening she informed us she was spending the night with a friend. She took clothes for the weekend. My husband called her at her friend's house twice on Saturday and Sunday. When she came home Sunday evening he informed her the independence was over. (I was glad). She called her "Dear", which is what she calls her grandmother and told her that she would rather go to juvenile hall than live with us. My husband never imposed the taking everything away, just the cell phone, and her laptop. We have purchased two "uniforms" which consist of khaki pants and navy blue tops so when her attitude is not good she will be wearing those. But all the other stuff never happened. I have pointed out that there really isn't any consistancy in his punishments, which got him to realize that he needed to do what he says, but it is too much work to strip her room, so some thimgs will have to wait I guess. He did remind her that anything lower than a C on her report card meant that she didn't get to go to prom. I hope that she makes it, but I have my doubts. If she doesn't make it I look for there to be more drama. Stay tuned for new developments. I feel like I'm in a soap opera.