A New Prespective

I met with a friend lately who gave me a new prespective on my relationship with Tilly. She said that I didn't make a bad mistake, that I didn't pick Alias and neither did Tilly. She said that Alias was my husband, Victor's problem. She also pointed out that if we agreed to take Tilly to Alias more often, then Tilly could see on a regular basis how Alias really doesn't care for Tilly much, instead of Alias telling her that she really cares. This would take the excuses away.



She also said that I was the stepmother. I never felt like the stepmother. When I came on board, Tilly was four and Alias was still not visiting with her. Tilly took it out on us, but I have always felt like I was Tilly's mother and that Alias didn't count. She was a non-entity. There are two ways to look at this new revelation. I could take the view, as stated by my friend, that I am not responsible for Tilly's good or bad traits. She is not my problem. She is Victor and Alias's problem and I should take a back seat to allow them to solve their problem. This is like we exist in a bubble, but I don't believe this to be true.

I still love Tilly and that love prevents me from allowing harm to come to her, if I can help it. If Tilly doesn't take her studies seriously then she won't be accepted to the veterinary school that she wants to go to. This can have life long consequences.

But maybe I need to take a step back and allow her to suffer some failure. This is a new thought for me. but maybe I need to let her grow up a little, even as my mother bear instincts say keep her safe. A different idea for me.

P.S. Tilly just came downstairs crying and shaking. Apparently someone came into class today screaming at her. She said the teacher was out of the room. I talked quietly to her and told her she had done the right thing (just looking at the girl and not saying or doing anything else). It seemed to work. I think we might be getting a better relationship, thanks to my friend.